spring break 2011! oh wait..

This coming week should be my Spring Break!! Cue pictures of me hanging ten at the beach...

But wait...I'm not on spring break. Huh?! Say Whaaa?! (more on this later..) And no, that picture is not actually of me. Not like I ever spent time "hanging ten"on my past spring breaks anyway but that is not the point. So as you learned in my last post, I am having major surgery next month (NEXT month?! eeek. deep breaths, deep breaths) and was in the hospital for most of february and just now starting to get back to 'normal'.

Therefore, after much prayer and discussion with my family and professors, I have decided to take a medical withdrawal from this semester of grad school. Which because of the way my specific program is designed, I have to take courses in a rotation. I also cannot be placed in my externships without certain prerequisites. So basically how that works out for me is...I can't go back until next spring. Gulp.

What you must understand about me is this, I am one of the most goal driven, plan-based people you will ever meet. Ever. Meet. I must have a "purpose" and a "plan". For the past 6 years, and really my whole life, my purpose (as far as careers etc go...not my purpose as a human.) has been education and work. So this whole, "taking a break from school to focus on my health" thing is completely outside of my realm of comfort. Completely. Cue anxiety and sweaty pits. Yes, people I sweat when I am nervous.

Taking a detour from said "plan" also breaks my heart. I worked very hard to get here. And by 'here' I mean get my undergraduate degree (it took me quite awhile to complete undergraduate because of the stinky chronic illness) and then get into graduate school. It has been my dream, for the past 7 years, to finish school and have a career, despite all of this medical stuff. So...naturally I am a little perturbed that this is not all going according to my "plan". I can imagine God finds all this amusing. My plan making and such. "Oh Dana, you and your silly life plans. If you only knew what I have planned". He also probably finds it amusing that I am quoting these words like its seriously something he 'said'...but I digress.

However, I do have a peace and an understanding about the fact that all of these things, including the rotten timing of this illness and surgery, are for a higher purpose. I also can, with the strength of my faithful God and the amazing people in my life, handle this. God's timing is perfect and divine. He is never wrong. Never. So I do trust that this will work out. However, I am still heartbroken and terrified. I am so frustratingly human.

This is a season of life I never expected to walk through. However, this next season is just that....a season. It shall pass.
Many people have been asking, the surgery is scheduled for April 18th. My family and I are truly grateful for all of the prayers, support, and encouragement we have received. We are in awe of how wonderful everyone has been. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I will pay you all in air hugs! :)

journey to hope

What up. So everyone, this post is my attempt to wrap my mind around the crazy, weird, intense, hazy fog that is my life right now.  It is also to share with everyone just exactly what has been happening with the dana-meister (me) as of late. It is much easier to update everyone all together here rather than sending separate emails, facebook messages, text messages, phone calls etc. etc. etc. I apologize in advance if this post is all over the place. Lets just blame it on the medicines.

Okay so here is the low down or is it down low? Either way, I have been very, very sick lately. I usually try to sugar coat the situation or make light of my health but there simply is no way to do that now and it would simply be untrue. So Ima be real wit ya.

In November/December and then again for this past month, I was hospitalized for pancreatitis. This would now make the 12th time in the past 6 years? Not sure. Its definitely double digits.

As some or most may know, I have pancreatic disease and have since childhood. The disease has progressed and evolved over the years. In the these last couple of years, I have started having chronic pain, the pain has worsened, the pain medications have increased, and the hospitalizations are longer and closer together. All of this to preface another discussion about my treatment options and recent decisions in that department...

Basically there isn't a whole lot you can do for chronic pancreatitis and pancreatic insufficiency. Its another one of those stinky diseases without a cure. Its also one of those stinky diseases that don't have a whole lot of treatment options. Since my disease has progressed so much, I now have even less options. These options include either having a permanent feeding tube, constant pain medications, and more hospitalizations OR a surgery.

About two years ago, my family and I heard of a newer, innovative surgery being done on individuals with pancreatic disease at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. The surgery was a total pancreatectomy and islet cell transplant surgery. The simple explanation is this: the surgeon will first remove my pancreas, spleen, part of stomach, and part of my intestines. Then the scientists will harvest my islet cells from my pancreas and these islet cells will then be transplanted back into my liver. My liver will then house the islet cells with the hope that they will take on the function of the pancreas in their new organ home.

Wowza. Okay so the first time I heard what the surgery consisted of, I laughed. I was like no way am I that desperate. I will never let anyone remove a vital organ from my body! Never! But people, that was two years ago. My disease was a totally different animal back then. A much tamer animal. Back when we originally heard about the surgery, we heard of it being done at the Mayo Clinic. Although I was terrified and not really sold on the idea, my family and I nonetheless packed our bags and headed up to Rochester. Long story short, we decided that at that time, the surgery held too many risks and was therefore not for me and we went home.
The story picks up again about two years later in September of this year. I travelled to MUSC (Medical University of South Carolina) in Charleston, SC for a couple of different procedures. These procedures were kind of a last ditch effort to help stop my chronic pain and some other issues I had been having. The procedures were essentially unsuccessful. These unsuccessful procedures caused my team of doctors to suggest that I meet with the surgeon there that had recently started performing the pancreatectomy and islet cell transplant surgery. I was still unsure but agreed to meet with her. After meeting with her, I was encouraged and started to feel like maybe this surgery wasn't the most insane idea on the planet.

After months and months of praying, talking with doctors, talking with family and friends, and a little more praying I began to feel this surgery was the right move for me. I contacted the surgical team and we began moving forward with the candidacy process. So after ANOTHER hospitalization in February, I was pushed over the edge.  I got the confirmation that I was looking for. The confirmation that the way I have been living, in constant pain, always in the hospital, feeding tubes, and pain medicine...isn't what I want for myself. I want to live a "normal" life. To feel good enough to work. To feel good enough to finish grad school. To feel good enough to just enjoy the wonderful people God has put in my life. So another long story short, the decision was made. I am having the surgery in April. Eeeeeeek!

Now that I have made this decision, everything seems to be happening so fast. I have been faced with some pretty big decisions and honestly, its all very terrifying. I like to control everything in my life. And none of this is in my control. I have had to place it all in God's hands and take the biggest leap of faith I have ever taken.

So now this terribly long post is coming to an end. I do apologize for the novel I just wrote but it was hard for me to write on this subject. But once I started..it just kept going and going. While on this subject, this blog will be changing along with me as I walk through these next few rough months. I would like to use this blog as a way to update friends, family, and others about where I am at with the surgery, recovery, and so forth. Kinda like a blogumentary of my experiences. I don't know what that will look like but we will just roll with it as it goes. This is the beginning of my journey to a hopeful future! eeeee! I would appreciate your prayers for my family and myself as we go through this tough but exciting journey. Until next time...

Here is a video done by my surgeon at MUSC on the total pancreatectomy and islet cell transplant surgery. The surgeon in the video is the surgeon that will be doing my surgery. The video is really informative but don't worry its not gory or anything. :) Please watch!

rollercoaster

Hello all,
   So its been awhile...huh? The last few months have been crazy, sweet, busy, depressing, exciting, stressful, wonderful, sad, absolutely awesome and every other descriptor I could ever come up with. Its been a stinking roller coaster. That whole "life is a roller coaster" metaphor usually gets on my nerves because it is so painfully cliche. However, that is the epitome of my life lately. Its been a compilation of beautiful moments, wonderful experiences, extreme low points..and flat out, snoozefests. So to kind of catch you up on the life of me, I would like you to hop on my metaphoric life rollercoaster for a moment. I figured it would be best to tell my little tale in pictures and short (and hopefully not boring) summaries. Then you can feel like you were THERE with me. Awesome, I know.

So....Where to begin? Lets begin with L-O-V-E, love. Yes peeps, I fell in the big L-word. Its pretty neat. Not that relationships are all butterflies and fairies.....but they are still quite beautiful and unpredictable. Brief intro to this strapping young fellar I call boyfriend: His name is Ben. He is a boy. He has hair. He is a musician and likes to play instruments and sing. He is quite good at it actually (which is interestingly funny because I am very "musically un-inclined"). And he loves me too. So its cool. Introducing Ben. Drumroll please.....

He's so attractive right???? bahhahaaha.

Being Silly.

Our "senior picture"

And finally a serious photo. We obviously don't have many of these types of pictures.

Ok so now you have the low down on my "love life". Next on the list of totally exciting recent happenings of Dana Whitfield: the birth of the most incredible gift, my niece Harper Elizabeth Whitfield! She was born on August 5, 2010 at 3:15am.
Sweet Harper, if one day you read this, I hope you know that I love you more than I could ever have imagined. You are so precious to me and I feel incredibly grateful to be able to call you my niece. How lucky am I?! I want your life to be a series of fascinating events and disney movie-like experiences. Basically, I want you to have anything and everything you dream of. Always have faith in yourself and most of all, have faith in our God. He is the ultimate provider and loves you with an unfathomable, powerful love. Keep that in mind, girlfriend.

Now, prepare yourself blog peeps, I am about to overload you with cuteness. Prepare to Ooooh and Ahhhhh appropriately, please.

It was love at first sight!

And again!

She is of course a Georgia fan! Gooooooooo Dawgs!!

Look at those Daisy Dukes! ow ow!

I love her. 

Ok, so I am obviously obsessed with my niece. What else has been happening you ask? I started graduate school to complete this not-so-easy journey to acquire a "big girl job". It has been a interesting experience so far, to say the least. I won't bore you with pictures of me studying or working on therapy plans or anything of the like. Its just as you might imagine....I go to class, I see some clients here and there, I work on therapy plans, I make copious amounts of note cards and the cycle starts over. Its not exactly what I would call a party. BUT God has been good to me. I make it through the tough days and have been moderately successful because of His strength and His grace. Shout out to my main man upstairs!

God has also been incredibly gracious in keeping me somewhat healthy. I have been hospitalized a few times since I last posted (cue the scary, I feel like crying or screaming or both portion of the rollercoaster). But its all worked out and I remain positive for the future. 

Side Note: I really appreciate everyone's love, prayers, support and encouragement over these past few months. I am genuinely in awe of the amount of people in my life that consistently pray for me and are constantly offering encouragement and help. I am truly grateful. 

A lot has happened to me in these past months...good and bad. I try to thank God for all of it. Sometimes this life is a huge bummer but it is nonetheless an incredible gift. The tough days have taught me that good days are to be celebrated. Today is a good day! 

P.S.  I swear I will be better about updating. 

P.S.S. Go Dawgs!!! (Even though you lost. sigh.)

happiness, blessings, and just general awesomness

I think it is important to constantly remind myself of the blessings in my life. I know that sometimes it is hard to focus on the good. Believe me, sometimes all I want to do is pout in a corner and tell God how horrible I think things are on planet Earth. Sometimes I am sad, sometimes I am sick, sometimes I am heartbroken, sometimes I feel inadequate, sometimes I feel lonely, sometimes I feel unloved, and sometimes I feel just plain ANGRY for no reason or the biggest of reasons. However, we were never promised a perfect existence here on Earth. This is a fallen world. We tend to forget that and wonder why, if we believe in God (or don't), our lives aren't magically blissful, awesome, and problem free. I mean I am not trying to be a negative nancy. OF COURSE there are wonderful moments. This life can be so beautiful if you focus on the beauty. Thats my point really. Focus on the beauty. Focus on the Lord and you will be surprised how much your perspective will change. Even on the darkest of days.

Anywhoozer, all that to say...here is my list of happiness, blessing, and awesomeness in my life.
1. I have wonderful family. wonderful. Really, I could thank God for my family, every minute of my life and still never thank him enough. I am not just saying this because my family reads my blog or I want a present (barnes and noble giftcards are always accepted). Although that would be cool. God really has freely given me the most supportive, outwardly loving, patient, and super fun family. Thanks God.

2. I have wonderful friends. All types of friends. Thats the greatest part. All of my friends are so different and I have such a unique relationship with each of them. I love them all so much. so much.

3. I am going to be an aunt this year. If you know me, you know how much I adore babies and children. I have been secretly hoping I would be an aunt for 3 years now. I literally cried when they told me. I am so excited and I know Lauren and Josh will be awesome parents. This baby will be loved completely.

4. Access to education. I am blessed by the opportunity to learn at a higher level. I know I have been in school awhile and I will be for a little longer (sorry daddy-o) I try to remain grateful for the opportunity. Even though I wish I were done, I have to know what a gift it is. There are many that never have the opportunity.

5. My puppy! He really is precious. I am not an obsessive animal person or anything but I am obsessed with him. He is awesome. I'll prove it to you. Come over and I will show you how snuggly, loving, and well behaved he is. :)

6. My car! I love the stang. We have been together now for 7 years. I love the way she smells.

7.  Books. I love books. I want to write a book.

8. Candy. I love candy so, so, so much. Too bad I am a diabetic.

9. Wendy's twisted frosty (with chocolate chip cookie dough). Oh. My. Goodness. So good. So good.

10. I am grateful for my jobs. I work with children every day, whether I am at Sound Start, school, nannying, or kids city (lateChurch children's program -its volunteer, not work actually). I learn a lot from them. Sometimes they drive me nuts but they keep my life interesting.

11. I am grateful for music. Music has a way of helping me deal and cope. Music helps me to express the way I feel about people, love, situations and just life. Whether its sad or happy. I love to dance too. I am horrible at it but I love it. I also like singing but I am horrible at that too.

12. Panera bread. I am here now so I feel like I owe them a shout out.

13. I know this is weird, but I am grateful for my health issues. My disease has built my character, my strength, and my hope. I have met many people because of my illness also. Without my illness, I simply would not be the woman I am today.

14. I am grateful for people that are nerdy, weird, unique, funny, or posess other unique qualities. It is really refreshing to be around people that are okay with who they are, even if they are "different". 

Of course, I am grateful for my relationship with the Lord. I feel like on this blog, that goes without saying. However, I still want to give my main man upstairs a shout out. He is the source of all of this awesomeness. Without him, I simply would not be. What are you grateful for?

my belated obligatory christmas post

Well helloooooo there my faithful blog peeps. I wish I could say that the reason I have not posted in awhile is because I have been super duper busy and  I just have not sat down in weeks. yeahhhhh right. The real reason is because I have not been in school. My ultimate form of procrastination is writing things OTHER than my school assignments. You see, I would much rather be writing whatever I dang well please. Not research type writing (don't tell my professors). Alas, the school owns my mind. Anywho...I am back in school and I have another assignment due so of course  I am writing a blog post. Moving on.

 A few weeks ago I wanted to write a blog post having to do with Mary (Jesus's mother!)...the reason for the reason for the season. (in a literal, biological sense. its catchy huh? haha. actually that saying rhymes too much for me) Well I wanted to do this Mary post at the appropriate time, Christmas, but I lost track of my mind. Since I am stubborn, I have decided to still write about Mary because I want to. Also, Mary's story and the lessons learned from her experiences are not just appropriate at Christmas time.

First off...have you ever thought about how crazy it would be to have a baby without ever having sex?? I mean I hate to get all sex talk on ya but...when a man loves a woman and that woman loves the man they.....you get it. Can you imagine being Mary's age (teenie bopper) and having to explain to your parents that the Holy Spirit impregnated you?? I mean really? Seriously though, I would have politely replied to the angel that came in the night, "um, no thanks angel. I really don't want to carry God's baby. I'm good. I'm busy, I have plans this weekend, and there is this cute guy I like and I don't want him to think I am a harlot. I just really want to live an average life and mind my own business. Go find someone else." That is not how Mary replied though. Amazing.

The Bible does say that Mary was "confused and disturbed" (Luke 1:29) trying to figure out how this was possible. It totally blew her mind. Yeah, Mary...me too. However, the difference between her reaction and mine was she replied "I am the Lord's servant. May everything you have said about me come true." (Luke 1:38). ummmm wow. Mary accepted the ultimate challenge from God. A few verses down from the angel scene (Luke) is one of my favorite passages from the entire Bible. Mary's song of praise. It goes a little something like this:
"Oh how my soul praises the Lord.
How my spirit rejoices in God my Savior!
For he took notice of his lowly servant girl,
and from now on all generations will call me blessed.
For the Mighty One is holy,
and has done great things for me.
He shows mercy from generation to generation
to all who fear him.
His mighty arm has done tremendous things!
He has scattered the proud and haughty ones.
He has brought down princes from their thrones
and exalted the humble.
He has filled the hungry with good things
and sent the rich away with empty hands.
He has helped his servant Israel
and remembered to be merciful.
For he made this promise to our ancestors,
to Abraham and his children forever."
Luke 1:46-55

I know its a long passage but everytime I read it and put it into context, I am simply amazed. Mary had recently been told that she was to carry a baby that was not her own. She would carry a stigma. People would inevitably talk about her. People would stare. People would laugh at her and mock her. She might lose her fiance, Joseph. These were just the immediate consequences of her decision to accept God's challenge. The biggest long term consequence as a mother would be to watch your son die. Never being a mother, I cannot imagine the pain she felt watching her son being mocked and murdered. Yes, her son became the Savior of the world but before that she watched him hang and die a slow, painful death. I just cannot imagine that. What a sacrifice Mary made. I would not have been excited and joyful as Mary was. I would not turn my fears into praise. How impossible that seems.
Although there were serious pains and consequences, she was also infinitely blessed for following the Lord. Elizabeth (John the Baptist's mama), put it best, "Mary, you are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said." (Luke 1:45) Mary believed the Lord, followed the Lord and most of all, trusted the Lord. She did not understand God's will or his plan but she trusted that He was good. Mary trusted that his will was divine.  

This story always allows for some inner reflection into my own decisions and challenges. How willing am I to do whatever it takes to follow the Lord? If God sent an angel to me tonight (HOW COOOOL!), asking me to do this crazy task in order to live out his will for my life, what would I do? Am I excited and joyful about what he has planned, even if it means a tough journey? I want to be. I want to live out my ultimate purpose in this world.

The crazy thing is, our purposes are just as important as Mary's purpose. We all have a part in our Mighty Father's awesome, sovreign plan. I am ready and willing to answer the high calling of the Lord. Even if it means being ridiculed, made fun of or talked about like Mary was. Even if it means bearing the weight of the world. Its all possible with Christ. We aren't alone in it, thats for sure.
Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you.
psalm 37:57

Happy New Year my peeps! Love you all.
p.s. Speaking of babies, I am going to be an AUNT!!! What a beautiful gift. I am so excited! (obviously) Please keep Lauren, Josh, and precious baby-to-be in your prayers! I am praying every day not only for health and happiness but I am praying that little baby will know the love of our heavenly father. This baby is already loved by me but mostly by our Lord. He already knows and infintely loves little baby more than any of us could. :)

hospital happy list...

As some of you may know, I am once again in the glorious place known as the hospital. The hospital is, by far, my least favorite place to be in the world. Yet I seem to find myself here often. The times while I am in the hospital test my faith more than I would like for it to be tested. However, I usually learn more about my God and his faithfulness during these times than the easy times.
In order to keep myself far, far away from the doom and gloom attitude that I so easily go to, I am going to make a list. This is just a list of random things. Random, positive things that I learn, enjoy, or am grateful for while in the hospital. I will focus on the positive, praise Him in in the storm, and CHOOSE to be joyful.

My Hospital Happy List:
1. I can watch all day Law and Order SVU marathons without feeling guilty.
2. I get to literally see how much I am loved by people in my life via phone calls, flowers, cards, balloons, texts, hospital visits, facebook, emails, and much more.
3. My mom buys me new pajamas every time. I don't know why really, she just does.
4. I get to make friends with all the nurses on my hall. I know them all by now though, so its more like catching up with old friends.
5. I get to rely on God for everything.
6. I am humbled. I see how I simply cannot survive without my Lord and Savior.
7. I get to see miracles and answered prayers daily.
8. I chew lots of gum.
9. I watch lots of movies.
10. Towards the end of my hospital stay, I get to have slushies. Lots and lots of slushies. I sure do love slushies.
11. My faith is tested, I persevere, and I grow closer to Jesus.

This list was hard for me to make. It was my first instinct to create a long, long list of negative things about being sick. BUT...that is simply pointless. I will focus on the good. I trust that the Lord has a bigger plan for my life. Bigger than my chronic illness and bigger than this hospital bed. He is able, good, and faithful. I am right to trust in Him. Well then, that's all for now! Have a good day! I sure hope this post makes sense..sometimes I am a bit loopy in the hospital. :)
I love comments. Some people have told me it is hard for them to comment. If you would like to comment, comment as 'anonymous' option and if you want, leave your name in the comment. Thanks for reading!

true life: i love 'touched by an angel'

Ok, I have a confession. When I was younger (and still now) I loved the show Touched by an Angel. I know, I know its kinda lame. Seriously lame: bad acting and lame, sappy lines. But hey, its good, family friendly television with a wholesome message. What ever happened to that? I don't know. Hard to find unless you watch the Hallmark Channel. (thats where old reruns of Touched by an Angel run in case you want to know) Anywho, as a child I totally connected with this one, specific episode. I still remember the feeling I felt when I watched it the first time.

Quick recap of the story: There is this boy with a terminal illness (cystic fibrosis I believe), he is not getting any better and his doctors don't think he will live much longer. The whole story line of touched by an angel is that these three angels (Monica, Tess, and Andrew) come down and show God's compassion and love to the suffering people in the storyline. Its sweet. So in this particular episode the three angels help this boy, his best friend, and single mother deal with the fact that the little boy probably won't get better. (so sad) They help the little boy live his last days, prepare for heaven, etc.

The point of all this is that this story was an inspiration to me as a child. The fact that God's love was shown in such a dark situation really gave me hope as a child with a chronic illness. Yes, I know the story isn't necessarily true but there are little heroes all over the world much like the boy in this story. Little heroes that have more courage in the difficult trials of life than I could ever imagine having. Even though this particular story is fictional, the moral of the story is still there. God never leaves us. He provides the strength and courage we need to persevere. He also provides the love and compassion of others to help us along. He is so willing to help us through the dark moments if we just let him.

I really encourage you to watch the next two videos. They are two clips of my favorite parts from this episode I described. One has Wynonna Judd singing a song in the final scene of the show. The words to this song are so powerful. I posted them below. The next is another clip to kind of explain the episode and another song with encouraging lyrics. I know the acting is not so hot but just the message is so sweet. I pretty much cry everytime I see it (in a good way).
Well there is my embarrassing confession. Admit it, you like it too. You can't help but like Monica...with that accent and all. I think its Scottish? or British? who knows.





Lyrics
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silence
when words are not enough
With every breath I take
I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify love.



I want to testify love. To be a witness in the silences when words are not enough. That should be my life mission. To show love and compassion to every person. Always keep the little ones (and their families) of the world that fight a terminal illness in your prayers. They are my heroes. Happy Sunday!