sleepover partay. woohoo!

After 2 weeks of rest and recovery (from my most recent hospital stay I talked about in this post) at the parent's house in Statesboro, my stubborn "me must be independent" attitude kicked in. I packed my bags to head home to Savannah and then it came to me, "ummm I can't drive, I can't cook for myself, I'm on pain meds, blah blah blah" Ugh. What to do now? I love being with my parents, don't get me wrong. (hi mom, I love you. and yes, I know you are reading this) I am just so stinking fiercely independent and lets be real, I also wanted to be closer to my friend-amily (friends I call family) and boyfriend ben. But it looked as if little baby birdy wasn't leaving the nest just yet.

And then.....Wah-lah! My very best special friend Casey, whom I happen to adore, told me, yes told me, I was to come to Savannah and stay with her and her family (that I also adore). And peeps, who was I to argue? I was headed to Savannah. 

So that was last Friday. Yes, I have been here, sleeping on their leathery couch (I happen to love sleeping on a couch) watching army wives on netflix for a week. And no, they haven't kicked me out yet. Don't worry, don't worry I'm not planning on mooching or planting my cute butt here permanently. Just until I am able to take care of myself, which is this weekend most likely. And it kinda makes me sad, I have truly enjoyed my time here with the Sanders clan. I would like to think the feeling is mutual. :) 

So here are some reasons the Sanders rock and some things I particularly enjoyed about my stay here..

1. They took me in without a moment's hesitation. And did I mention they have a toddler (that is (P)recious) and a brand new baby? Yeah, rockstars they are. 

2. Since the time Casey and I became friends, she has loved me unconditionally and been one of the best friends I have had. Very loyal, that Casey. Actually come to think of it, their WHOLE family has been that way to me. Love.

3. Casey makes me snort laugh. 

4. They actually cook dinner around here. Doesn't happen too much around my apartment. 

5. Army Wives on netflix

6. Watching American Idol...and all of our special critiquing of each singer. FYI Sanders clan are very talented musicians. So, their critiques actually were valid...much different than my "oh she's so pitchy tonight!" or "he needs teeth whitener". 

7. Getting to know new baby L and spending time with sweet P. 

Just being around my peeps has done wonders for this sick girl. I've said it before and I will say it again, God has blessed me with some sweet-tastic friends. I simply could not be who I am or persevere through tough circumstance without them all. Nothing is by accident, its all apart of an awesome plan. And I am proud and humbled to be apart of it. Love you Sanders fam. 

tehehe... 

living abundantly, 

Dana

P.S. Don't forget about the upcoming fundraiser being held for me (yay!) (how cool!) (how very sweet!) on Saturday, March 26th. All proceeds go towards medical expenses.
To buy your ticket or raffle ticket contact Josh Whitfield at joshwhitfield@gmail.com and check out the facebook invite here!

spring break 2011! oh wait..

This coming week should be my Spring Break!! Cue pictures of me hanging ten at the beach...

But wait...I'm not on spring break. Huh?! Say Whaaa?! (more on this later..) And no, that picture is not actually of me. Not like I ever spent time "hanging ten"on my past spring breaks anyway but that is not the point. So as you learned in my last post, I am having major surgery next month (NEXT month?! eeek. deep breaths, deep breaths) and was in the hospital for most of february and just now starting to get back to 'normal'.

Therefore, after much prayer and discussion with my family and professors, I have decided to take a medical withdrawal from this semester of grad school. Which because of the way my specific program is designed, I have to take courses in a rotation. I also cannot be placed in my externships without certain prerequisites. So basically how that works out for me is...I can't go back until next spring. Gulp.

What you must understand about me is this, I am one of the most goal driven, plan-based people you will ever meet. Ever. Meet. I must have a "purpose" and a "plan". For the past 6 years, and really my whole life, my purpose (as far as careers etc go...not my purpose as a human.) has been education and work. So this whole, "taking a break from school to focus on my health" thing is completely outside of my realm of comfort. Completely. Cue anxiety and sweaty pits. Yes, people I sweat when I am nervous.

Taking a detour from said "plan" also breaks my heart. I worked very hard to get here. And by 'here' I mean get my undergraduate degree (it took me quite awhile to complete undergraduate because of the stinky chronic illness) and then get into graduate school. It has been my dream, for the past 7 years, to finish school and have a career, despite all of this medical stuff. So...naturally I am a little perturbed that this is not all going according to my "plan". I can imagine God finds all this amusing. My plan making and such. "Oh Dana, you and your silly life plans. If you only knew what I have planned". He also probably finds it amusing that I am quoting these words like its seriously something he 'said'...but I digress.

However, I do have a peace and an understanding about the fact that all of these things, including the rotten timing of this illness and surgery, are for a higher purpose. I also can, with the strength of my faithful God and the amazing people in my life, handle this. God's timing is perfect and divine. He is never wrong. Never. So I do trust that this will work out. However, I am still heartbroken and terrified. I am so frustratingly human.

This is a season of life I never expected to walk through. However, this next season is just that....a season. It shall pass.
Many people have been asking, the surgery is scheduled for April 18th. My family and I are truly grateful for all of the prayers, support, and encouragement we have received. We are in awe of how wonderful everyone has been. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. I will pay you all in air hugs! :)

journey to hope

What up. So everyone, this post is my attempt to wrap my mind around the crazy, weird, intense, hazy fog that is my life right now.  It is also to share with everyone just exactly what has been happening with the dana-meister (me) as of late. It is much easier to update everyone all together here rather than sending separate emails, facebook messages, text messages, phone calls etc. etc. etc. I apologize in advance if this post is all over the place. Lets just blame it on the medicines.

Okay so here is the low down or is it down low? Either way, I have been very, very sick lately. I usually try to sugar coat the situation or make light of my health but there simply is no way to do that now and it would simply be untrue. So Ima be real wit ya.

In November/December and then again for this past month, I was hospitalized for pancreatitis. This would now make the 12th time in the past 6 years? Not sure. Its definitely double digits.

As some or most may know, I have pancreatic disease and have since childhood. The disease has progressed and evolved over the years. In the these last couple of years, I have started having chronic pain, the pain has worsened, the pain medications have increased, and the hospitalizations are longer and closer together. All of this to preface another discussion about my treatment options and recent decisions in that department...

Basically there isn't a whole lot you can do for chronic pancreatitis and pancreatic insufficiency. Its another one of those stinky diseases without a cure. Its also one of those stinky diseases that don't have a whole lot of treatment options. Since my disease has progressed so much, I now have even less options. These options include either having a permanent feeding tube, constant pain medications, and more hospitalizations OR a surgery.

About two years ago, my family and I heard of a newer, innovative surgery being done on individuals with pancreatic disease at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN. The surgery was a total pancreatectomy and islet cell transplant surgery. The simple explanation is this: the surgeon will first remove my pancreas, spleen, part of stomach, and part of my intestines. Then the scientists will harvest my islet cells from my pancreas and these islet cells will then be transplanted back into my liver. My liver will then house the islet cells with the hope that they will take on the function of the pancreas in their new organ home.

Wowza. Okay so the first time I heard what the surgery consisted of, I laughed. I was like no way am I that desperate. I will never let anyone remove a vital organ from my body! Never! But people, that was two years ago. My disease was a totally different animal back then. A much tamer animal. Back when we originally heard about the surgery, we heard of it being done at the Mayo Clinic. Although I was terrified and not really sold on the idea, my family and I nonetheless packed our bags and headed up to Rochester. Long story short, we decided that at that time, the surgery held too many risks and was therefore not for me and we went home.
The story picks up again about two years later in September of this year. I travelled to MUSC (Medical University of South Carolina) in Charleston, SC for a couple of different procedures. These procedures were kind of a last ditch effort to help stop my chronic pain and some other issues I had been having. The procedures were essentially unsuccessful. These unsuccessful procedures caused my team of doctors to suggest that I meet with the surgeon there that had recently started performing the pancreatectomy and islet cell transplant surgery. I was still unsure but agreed to meet with her. After meeting with her, I was encouraged and started to feel like maybe this surgery wasn't the most insane idea on the planet.

After months and months of praying, talking with doctors, talking with family and friends, and a little more praying I began to feel this surgery was the right move for me. I contacted the surgical team and we began moving forward with the candidacy process. So after ANOTHER hospitalization in February, I was pushed over the edge.  I got the confirmation that I was looking for. The confirmation that the way I have been living, in constant pain, always in the hospital, feeding tubes, and pain medicine...isn't what I want for myself. I want to live a "normal" life. To feel good enough to work. To feel good enough to finish grad school. To feel good enough to just enjoy the wonderful people God has put in my life. So another long story short, the decision was made. I am having the surgery in April. Eeeeeeek!

Now that I have made this decision, everything seems to be happening so fast. I have been faced with some pretty big decisions and honestly, its all very terrifying. I like to control everything in my life. And none of this is in my control. I have had to place it all in God's hands and take the biggest leap of faith I have ever taken.

So now this terribly long post is coming to an end. I do apologize for the novel I just wrote but it was hard for me to write on this subject. But once I started..it just kept going and going. While on this subject, this blog will be changing along with me as I walk through these next few rough months. I would like to use this blog as a way to update friends, family, and others about where I am at with the surgery, recovery, and so forth. Kinda like a blogumentary of my experiences. I don't know what that will look like but we will just roll with it as it goes. This is the beginning of my journey to a hopeful future! eeeee! I would appreciate your prayers for my family and myself as we go through this tough but exciting journey. Until next time...

Here is a video done by my surgeon at MUSC on the total pancreatectomy and islet cell transplant surgery. The surgeon in the video is the surgeon that will be doing my surgery. The video is really informative but don't worry its not gory or anything. :) Please watch!

happiness, blessings, and just general awesomness

I think it is important to constantly remind myself of the blessings in my life. I know that sometimes it is hard to focus on the good. Believe me, sometimes all I want to do is pout in a corner and tell God how horrible I think things are on planet Earth. Sometimes I am sad, sometimes I am sick, sometimes I am heartbroken, sometimes I feel inadequate, sometimes I feel lonely, sometimes I feel unloved, and sometimes I feel just plain ANGRY for no reason or the biggest of reasons. However, we were never promised a perfect existence here on Earth. This is a fallen world. We tend to forget that and wonder why, if we believe in God (or don't), our lives aren't magically blissful, awesome, and problem free. I mean I am not trying to be a negative nancy. OF COURSE there are wonderful moments. This life can be so beautiful if you focus on the beauty. Thats my point really. Focus on the beauty. Focus on the Lord and you will be surprised how much your perspective will change. Even on the darkest of days.

Anywhoozer, all that to say...here is my list of happiness, blessing, and awesomeness in my life.
1. I have wonderful family. wonderful. Really, I could thank God for my family, every minute of my life and still never thank him enough. I am not just saying this because my family reads my blog or I want a present (barnes and noble giftcards are always accepted). Although that would be cool. God really has freely given me the most supportive, outwardly loving, patient, and super fun family. Thanks God.

2. I have wonderful friends. All types of friends. Thats the greatest part. All of my friends are so different and I have such a unique relationship with each of them. I love them all so much. so much.

3. I am going to be an aunt this year. If you know me, you know how much I adore babies and children. I have been secretly hoping I would be an aunt for 3 years now. I literally cried when they told me. I am so excited and I know Lauren and Josh will be awesome parents. This baby will be loved completely.

4. Access to education. I am blessed by the opportunity to learn at a higher level. I know I have been in school awhile and I will be for a little longer (sorry daddy-o) I try to remain grateful for the opportunity. Even though I wish I were done, I have to know what a gift it is. There are many that never have the opportunity.

5. My puppy! He really is precious. I am not an obsessive animal person or anything but I am obsessed with him. He is awesome. I'll prove it to you. Come over and I will show you how snuggly, loving, and well behaved he is. :)

6. My car! I love the stang. We have been together now for 7 years. I love the way she smells.

7.  Books. I love books. I want to write a book.

8. Candy. I love candy so, so, so much. Too bad I am a diabetic.

9. Wendy's twisted frosty (with chocolate chip cookie dough). Oh. My. Goodness. So good. So good.

10. I am grateful for my jobs. I work with children every day, whether I am at Sound Start, school, nannying, or kids city (lateChurch children's program -its volunteer, not work actually). I learn a lot from them. Sometimes they drive me nuts but they keep my life interesting.

11. I am grateful for music. Music has a way of helping me deal and cope. Music helps me to express the way I feel about people, love, situations and just life. Whether its sad or happy. I love to dance too. I am horrible at it but I love it. I also like singing but I am horrible at that too.

12. Panera bread. I am here now so I feel like I owe them a shout out.

13. I know this is weird, but I am grateful for my health issues. My disease has built my character, my strength, and my hope. I have met many people because of my illness also. Without my illness, I simply would not be the woman I am today.

14. I am grateful for people that are nerdy, weird, unique, funny, or posess other unique qualities. It is really refreshing to be around people that are okay with who they are, even if they are "different". 

Of course, I am grateful for my relationship with the Lord. I feel like on this blog, that goes without saying. However, I still want to give my main man upstairs a shout out. He is the source of all of this awesomeness. Without him, I simply would not be. What are you grateful for?

my belated obligatory christmas post

Well helloooooo there my faithful blog peeps. I wish I could say that the reason I have not posted in awhile is because I have been super duper busy and  I just have not sat down in weeks. yeahhhhh right. The real reason is because I have not been in school. My ultimate form of procrastination is writing things OTHER than my school assignments. You see, I would much rather be writing whatever I dang well please. Not research type writing (don't tell my professors). Alas, the school owns my mind. Anywho...I am back in school and I have another assignment due so of course  I am writing a blog post. Moving on.

 A few weeks ago I wanted to write a blog post having to do with Mary (Jesus's mother!)...the reason for the reason for the season. (in a literal, biological sense. its catchy huh? haha. actually that saying rhymes too much for me) Well I wanted to do this Mary post at the appropriate time, Christmas, but I lost track of my mind. Since I am stubborn, I have decided to still write about Mary because I want to. Also, Mary's story and the lessons learned from her experiences are not just appropriate at Christmas time.

First off...have you ever thought about how crazy it would be to have a baby without ever having sex?? I mean I hate to get all sex talk on ya but...when a man loves a woman and that woman loves the man they.....you get it. Can you imagine being Mary's age (teenie bopper) and having to explain to your parents that the Holy Spirit impregnated you?? I mean really? Seriously though, I would have politely replied to the angel that came in the night, "um, no thanks angel. I really don't want to carry God's baby. I'm good. I'm busy, I have plans this weekend, and there is this cute guy I like and I don't want him to think I am a harlot. I just really want to live an average life and mind my own business. Go find someone else." That is not how Mary replied though. Amazing.

The Bible does say that Mary was "confused and disturbed" (Luke 1:29) trying to figure out how this was possible. It totally blew her mind. Yeah, Mary...me too. However, the difference between her reaction and mine was she replied "I am the Lord's servant. May everything you have said about me come true." (Luke 1:38). ummmm wow. Mary accepted the ultimate challenge from God. A few verses down from the angel scene (Luke) is one of my favorite passages from the entire Bible. Mary's song of praise. It goes a little something like this:
"Oh how my soul praises the Lord.
How my spirit rejoices in God my Savior!
For he took notice of his lowly servant girl,
and from now on all generations will call me blessed.
For the Mighty One is holy,
and has done great things for me.
He shows mercy from generation to generation
to all who fear him.
His mighty arm has done tremendous things!
He has scattered the proud and haughty ones.
He has brought down princes from their thrones
and exalted the humble.
He has filled the hungry with good things
and sent the rich away with empty hands.
He has helped his servant Israel
and remembered to be merciful.
For he made this promise to our ancestors,
to Abraham and his children forever."
Luke 1:46-55

I know its a long passage but everytime I read it and put it into context, I am simply amazed. Mary had recently been told that she was to carry a baby that was not her own. She would carry a stigma. People would inevitably talk about her. People would stare. People would laugh at her and mock her. She might lose her fiance, Joseph. These were just the immediate consequences of her decision to accept God's challenge. The biggest long term consequence as a mother would be to watch your son die. Never being a mother, I cannot imagine the pain she felt watching her son being mocked and murdered. Yes, her son became the Savior of the world but before that she watched him hang and die a slow, painful death. I just cannot imagine that. What a sacrifice Mary made. I would not have been excited and joyful as Mary was. I would not turn my fears into praise. How impossible that seems.
Although there were serious pains and consequences, she was also infinitely blessed for following the Lord. Elizabeth (John the Baptist's mama), put it best, "Mary, you are blessed because you believed that the Lord would do what he said." (Luke 1:45) Mary believed the Lord, followed the Lord and most of all, trusted the Lord. She did not understand God's will or his plan but she trusted that He was good. Mary trusted that his will was divine.  

This story always allows for some inner reflection into my own decisions and challenges. How willing am I to do whatever it takes to follow the Lord? If God sent an angel to me tonight (HOW COOOOL!), asking me to do this crazy task in order to live out his will for my life, what would I do? Am I excited and joyful about what he has planned, even if it means a tough journey? I want to be. I want to live out my ultimate purpose in this world.

The crazy thing is, our purposes are just as important as Mary's purpose. We all have a part in our Mighty Father's awesome, sovreign plan. I am ready and willing to answer the high calling of the Lord. Even if it means being ridiculed, made fun of or talked about like Mary was. Even if it means bearing the weight of the world. Its all possible with Christ. We aren't alone in it, thats for sure.
Commit everything you do to the Lord. Trust him, and he will help you.
psalm 37:57

Happy New Year my peeps! Love you all.
p.s. Speaking of babies, I am going to be an AUNT!!! What a beautiful gift. I am so excited! (obviously) Please keep Lauren, Josh, and precious baby-to-be in your prayers! I am praying every day not only for health and happiness but I am praying that little baby will know the love of our heavenly father. This baby is already loved by me but mostly by our Lord. He already knows and infintely loves little baby more than any of us could. :)

hospital happy list...

As some of you may know, I am once again in the glorious place known as the hospital. The hospital is, by far, my least favorite place to be in the world. Yet I seem to find myself here often. The times while I am in the hospital test my faith more than I would like for it to be tested. However, I usually learn more about my God and his faithfulness during these times than the easy times.
In order to keep myself far, far away from the doom and gloom attitude that I so easily go to, I am going to make a list. This is just a list of random things. Random, positive things that I learn, enjoy, or am grateful for while in the hospital. I will focus on the positive, praise Him in in the storm, and CHOOSE to be joyful.

My Hospital Happy List:
1. I can watch all day Law and Order SVU marathons without feeling guilty.
2. I get to literally see how much I am loved by people in my life via phone calls, flowers, cards, balloons, texts, hospital visits, facebook, emails, and much more.
3. My mom buys me new pajamas every time. I don't know why really, she just does.
4. I get to make friends with all the nurses on my hall. I know them all by now though, so its more like catching up with old friends.
5. I get to rely on God for everything.
6. I am humbled. I see how I simply cannot survive without my Lord and Savior.
7. I get to see miracles and answered prayers daily.
8. I chew lots of gum.
9. I watch lots of movies.
10. Towards the end of my hospital stay, I get to have slushies. Lots and lots of slushies. I sure do love slushies.
11. My faith is tested, I persevere, and I grow closer to Jesus.

This list was hard for me to make. It was my first instinct to create a long, long list of negative things about being sick. BUT...that is simply pointless. I will focus on the good. I trust that the Lord has a bigger plan for my life. Bigger than my chronic illness and bigger than this hospital bed. He is able, good, and faithful. I am right to trust in Him. Well then, that's all for now! Have a good day! I sure hope this post makes sense..sometimes I am a bit loopy in the hospital. :)
I love comments. Some people have told me it is hard for them to comment. If you would like to comment, comment as 'anonymous' option and if you want, leave your name in the comment. Thanks for reading!

true life: i love 'touched by an angel'

Ok, I have a confession. When I was younger (and still now) I loved the show Touched by an Angel. I know, I know its kinda lame. Seriously lame: bad acting and lame, sappy lines. But hey, its good, family friendly television with a wholesome message. What ever happened to that? I don't know. Hard to find unless you watch the Hallmark Channel. (thats where old reruns of Touched by an Angel run in case you want to know) Anywho, as a child I totally connected with this one, specific episode. I still remember the feeling I felt when I watched it the first time.

Quick recap of the story: There is this boy with a terminal illness (cystic fibrosis I believe), he is not getting any better and his doctors don't think he will live much longer. The whole story line of touched by an angel is that these three angels (Monica, Tess, and Andrew) come down and show God's compassion and love to the suffering people in the storyline. Its sweet. So in this particular episode the three angels help this boy, his best friend, and single mother deal with the fact that the little boy probably won't get better. (so sad) They help the little boy live his last days, prepare for heaven, etc.

The point of all this is that this story was an inspiration to me as a child. The fact that God's love was shown in such a dark situation really gave me hope as a child with a chronic illness. Yes, I know the story isn't necessarily true but there are little heroes all over the world much like the boy in this story. Little heroes that have more courage in the difficult trials of life than I could ever imagine having. Even though this particular story is fictional, the moral of the story is still there. God never leaves us. He provides the strength and courage we need to persevere. He also provides the love and compassion of others to help us along. He is so willing to help us through the dark moments if we just let him.

I really encourage you to watch the next two videos. They are two clips of my favorite parts from this episode I described. One has Wynonna Judd singing a song in the final scene of the show. The words to this song are so powerful. I posted them below. The next is another clip to kind of explain the episode and another song with encouraging lyrics. I know the acting is not so hot but just the message is so sweet. I pretty much cry everytime I see it (in a good way).
Well there is my embarrassing confession. Admit it, you like it too. You can't help but like Monica...with that accent and all. I think its Scottish? or British? who knows.





Lyrics
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silence
when words are not enough
With every breath I take
I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify love.



I want to testify love. To be a witness in the silences when words are not enough. That should be my life mission. To show love and compassion to every person. Always keep the little ones (and their families) of the world that fight a terminal illness in your prayers. They are my heroes. Happy Sunday!

using my powers for the good

A really tough lesson I never seem to learn is the power of my words. In the past, I have subconsciously held the opinion that my words don't effect people. I thought words were only powerful when they were extremely positive or extremely negative. You know what I mean? I thought words did not impact people unless the words stood out for some specific reason. Like if I told a good friend, "You are a wonderful friend. You always think of others, you are always there for me, you bake wonderful cookies, and you always share your clothes with me." I would have thought those words would have probably stayed with this person for at least a couple of hours, if not days...because the comment stands out. Anywho, on the flip side..if I decided to be extremely negative like this, "Hey, I don't like your hair cut and that color you are wearing...eh..not really flattering on you". That comment would stand out...don't ya think? Not to mention they probably wouldn't wear that color any more. Not that I would say this to someone..those are just the kinds of words I always assumed would effect a person.

I never have taken the time to assess the power of my every word. Even ordinary words. Even words I say to myself. Every word I say is an opportunity to bring someone hope or strength. Ever looked at it that way? Me either. Thats kind of a big burden.

The Bible makes many a mention of the importance and power of our spoken words and the power of the tongue (James 3, Proverbs13:3, Proverbs 15:4 and many many more). When I was little, I was so confused what it meant when the Bible talked about our 'tongues'. I remember thinking, "Why is my tongue so powerful?? I just use it to eat. The tongue is really weird looking too. Why does God think that weird thing is so important?" Seriously, I was so literal as a kid.

As an adult, I understand why the Bible brings it up so much. There have been countless times I have been completely burned by a person's negative words. Negative words have a way of sticking with you and resurfacing at all the wrong times. When I was in high school, I had this boyfriend who was constantly telling me awful things he thought about me. Now I know those comments are all lies. Even then, I might have known the comments weren't necessarily true but it didn't stop me from believing them. Those negative ideas about myself stayed with me for years. Those simple words he probably forgot years ago, stayed with me and caused me to falsely define myself.

There is a flip side. Positive words have a way of sticking with us too. Whenever I doubt myself, I can think of encouraging words people have spoken to me. Encouraging words that a person might not have even known I desperately needed to hear.

There is a specific verse in the Bible I think of every time I need to remind myself of how important my words are:
"For if we could control our tongues, we would be perfect and could also control ourselves in every other way." James 3:2
Wow. Pretty powerful huh? Our words are SO important. Our words guide our entire lives. Think about it. A simple word of encouragement can change your entire day. A few words can change the entire direction of a life. Thats why it is so important to...THINK before we SPEAK. My mother tried to teach me this as a child. I was too stubborn to get it. I still am. But I think I get the importance of it now. What I say to a person will stay with them forever. If I say a hurtful comment to a person, I can apologize a gazillion times but I can't un-say it. They already heard it and it will stay with them. You can't erase it. Gosh I wish we could.
The same theme applies when James talks about being "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry" (James 1:19). God is really clear. Think before using words. They are so powerful.

I need to learn to use this "power" for the good. Use words for the cause of the Lord. His cause is to love. Love and encourage with my words always. Easier said then done, I know. But remember....With Christ all things are possible....

be still

Patience is not really a quality that I possess. I am actually horrible at being patient, in all departments. I admit, I have horrible road rage. Just ask anyone that has ever rode in the "stang" (my car) with me or been on the phone with me while I am driving. Its really bad. I just don't understand why people drive slow. It is beyond my comprehension. Seriously..WHY would you want to go slow?? Here I go, getting all mad when I am not even in my car. I probably need therapy. haha. Not only am I inpatient in my car, I am inpatient in restaurants. I also am the most punctual person you will ever meet. When people are late, it gets on my nerves. Just being honest. I am also extremely inpatient in life too. I want things to happen when I want them to and how I want them to. I am so human. Its frustrating really.

This is a really tough subject for me to talk about because honestly, I don't want to learn patience. If I learn to be patient...won't that mean that I will be okay with waiting for things and slowing down?? Thats the way my little brain sees it. However, being patient and being still is an important concept for me to learn and accept. Not only just to plain accept waiting, but also learn to enjoy the stillness, to see beauty in the waiting times.

As I was thinking about why patience is so hard for me, I had an 'aha!' moment. Patience is so painful because a lot of the time, I don't trust God. It always comes back to that, doesn't it? I want to make things happen. I always give God things and then take it back. A lot of times I don't trust in the power of God. I don't know if it is because I think He simply can't handle it (which really is ridiculous if I think about it) or He just doesn't 'have time' for the little things.

As always, I look for lots of scripture to help me really grasp and learn what the Lord is teaching me. I found a ton of scripture on the importance of patience. (grreeaaat, means I should learn it) Anywho, the scripture made me realize patience is not something to dread. It is a hopeful and peaceful action. To put my hope in Christ and to wait for him to take action is a beautiful surrender.

"God, who gives patience and encouragement..."
Romans 15:5
"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit."
Romans 15:13

So first, God is the one who gives me this patience. It is obviously not a natural ability for me. I must ask for and then receive this patience. When God gives patience he also gives encouragement. I will never be called to be patient in a situation and then receive no encouragement from the Lord. I will never have to just wait in silence without any comfort to get me through. God provides it all. He provides the ability to wait patiently and then he provides the love and strength to persevere through the waiting times. Thankfully, he knows my inadequacies in this department. He will provide what I need to 'be still and know that he is God' (psalm 46:1)

The second verse really opened up my eyes to the beauty and vulnerability of patience. We will be FILLED completely with JOY and PEACE when we trust in him. Gosh, he never leaves anything out, does he?? He thinks of everything! He knows that in order to be patient and to trust him, we will definitely need joy and peace. He is so good. Not only will I be waiting for him and his guidance, I will be living a life of joy and peace. A joyful, adventurous life here and now. I do not have to waste the waiting stages by constantly looking to the next stage. I will live this waiting period with excitement! Always looking for God and always living and loving the adventure he undoubtedly will provide.

The verse goes on to say that we will OVERFLOW with confident hope through the Holy Spirit. Synonyms for overflow are abound, swarm, multiply, and in large quantities. (I do love my pocket thesaurus, we are BFF) Our hope will be multiplied by the Holy Spirit. Not only hope for the future and hope that God will provide in all seasons..but a hope for TODAY. We are to be patient but patience does not have to equal dull, boring, or unhappiness. Be confident in God. Have confidence in the fact that God will answer your prayers and will hear your cries."As for me, I look to the Lord for help. I wait confidently for God to save me, and my God will certainly hear me" Micah 7:7. Have that attitude in your waiting stages. What you are waiting for may be huge or small but God will come through. He always does. He will certainly hear you.

I feel lately God is teaching me like crazy. I am just trying to keep up! He is so good. He is a teacher, a friend, a beloved, a King, and my everything. He can certainly bring you adventure, love, purpose, and joy while you are patiently waiting for him. Be still, thankfully He is God and we are not.

a powerful belief

Do I believe God or do I just believe in God? Sure, they sound the same. Is there any real difference? If there is a difference, does it really matter? Is there a way to believe God more? What is there to believe other than the existence of God? All these questions have been running through my mind these past couple of days. I'll tell you what started it all: the ever looming future.  

Like many, I worry about my future. Like forreal worry. Just to name a few of my worries: Have I chosen the right career? Will I get into grad school? Will I survive this semester? Have I taken on too much? Will I ever get married? Will I ever have kids? Will my health continue to get worse? Will I ever have this picture perfect life I see others living? and most of all: Where does my money go and will I ever make enough??? (money worries are the worst) Those are just to name a few. Told you I worry...believe me now??

As I was stressing out about everything and anything, I thought...do I believe God? Do I believe what he has promised all of us throughout the Bible? I mean sure, I believe in God. I took that first step of believing he exists years ago. I believe with all my heart that my creator exists. Not only do I believe he exists, I believe he is good. I can't begin to put into words the rationale behind why I believe God exists. It comes from my soul and it overwhelms me with the truth of him. Okay, so step 1: believe God exists. Got it. step 2: I believe the Bible is true. Every word of it. As a new believer I struggled with this step. Do I have to believe everything? Are all the Old Testament stories real? Isn't it antiquated? But I came to the conclusion...the Bible is true and God's word (2 Tim 3:16) As for the old testament, I believe in Christ and He believed in a literal old testament...so I do too. (See Matt 24. Jesus refers to the days of Noah and the Ark). Okay, so got step 2 covered: I believe that the Bible is the real deal. Step 3: Do I believe everything God has promised me in the Bible? Do I believe what God says he will  and won't do? This step is a bit more fuzzy in my case.

If I believed in all God has promised, would I be so completely worried about every little thing in my life? Would I be trying so hard to create my own future and my own path because I am so scared if I don't, no one will? I don't think so.

If I did believe all God has promised I would be living one heck of a life here and now.
In Ephesians (yes, I am still on this book), Paul touches on the idea of belief and all the power we have through God.

And when you believed in Christ, he identified you as his own by giving you the Holy Spirit, whom he promised long ago. The Spirit is God's guarantee that he will give us the inheritance he promised and that he has purchased us to be his own people. Ephesians 1:13-14
I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God's power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God's right hand in the heavenly realms. Ephesians 1:19-20

Okay..these verses are a lot more powerful than I originally realized. If you really take time to digest what these verses mean...its incredible. It simply is amazing. Read the verses again. These promises are for you.

Paul ensures us that God has fulfilled his promises and that he will continue to fulfill his promises. He has given us the Spirit of God to guide us through this life on earth. The Spirit is a gift and a tool that we often forget. The Spirit is God's wisdom, power, and love at our very fingertips. Use it!

In the second verse, Paul emphasizes the importance of understanding the fact that when we believe in Christ, we are given God's amazing power. It is the same awesome power that raised Christ from the dead!! This power is used in our favor when we trust in Him. In Mark 9:25, Jesus says, "What do you mean, 'if I can?' Anything is possible if a person believes." In John 11:40 Jesus says, "Didn't I tell you that you would see God's glory if you believe?" So should I believe Him? Do I believe that he can handle my future? He can handle my fears? He can handle my grad school? He can handle my relationships? He can overcome my sickness? The answer is yes yes yes yes yes! He can. Why do I forget that? He can handle anything I throw at him. For he has the power to raise the dead and to do much much much more than we can imagine. I will see God's glory if I believe Him. Anything is possible if I just believe him. Anything. Not just the little things. Anything.

So tell me, can I trust God and his promises? I can. I can trust a God that has never backed down from a commitment, a God that always fulfills promises, a God that has the power to raise the dead, a God that never leaves, a God that never disappoints, a God that is everlasting, stunning, all powerful and at the same time loving, forgiving, gracious, and giving. He will never leave me like others have. He will never lie to me, He will never hurt me, He will be the rock I have never had. I can trust him with my future.

So today and every day, I will pray like the man in Mark 9:23 "I do believe but help me overcome my unbelief!" Help me believe you God. There is nothing too big for you to handle. I can give you everything without fear of hurt or rejection. You never disappoint me and you will fulfill every promise you have ever made.

Happy Monday! (is there such a thing? haha. kidding...kind of.) love love love, dana


I was emailed this video. Very interesting and powerful. Watch it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YoIDjj86fwI

Unlikely Answers

Lately, I have been getting a lot of what I like to call: unlikely and unlikeable answers to my prayers. Here is the deal. I was supposed to have two surgeries this week. I have been praying and praying about these procedures. I have been nervous and excited about the possible answers these procedures might bring. However, the main prayer I have been praying and asking others to pray is this: please pray I don't get sicker from the procedures, no pancreatitis please! I just want to keep my health. I wanted health but truthfully, I also wanted answers. I had in mind that God was going to protect me during the procedures, I trusted in that. I also had in my mind my idea of what would constitute an answered prayer. Health and Answers.
So anywho, my parents and I drive all the way to Charleston (not really that far) to have a meeting with the team of doctors. I had been anxious the whole drive there. We got into the meeting and the doctors told us that they believe that at this point these procedures hold more risks than rewards in my particular case. I was let down. I was disappointed that God had not answered my prayers! Here I am at the same place I started, there is nothing else that can be done for my conditions. I immediately went into pity party mode.
Then as I was praying an angry prayer, I realized...God answered my prayers. Quite specifically actually. There I was, getting angry and being ungrateful for an answered prayer: God protected me by allowing the doctors to use their medical wisdom. I was protected. God had directly answered my prayers and many other prayers that had been prayed for me.

Then I got to thinking...I do this all the time. God answers my prayers and I don't give Him glory and most of the time I blindly believe that I have been ignored by my Father. I need a different perspective.
Although at first, I might not understand why God has answered in a specific way...I have to know and trust he has a specific plan. He is good to me. He hears and answers my cries. Amazing huh???

Sometimes I spend hours praying about a certain issue in my life. I pray for guidance, wisdom, answers...anything! I get so lost in the problem, whatever it might be. Why does it say all in the Bible that God answers prayers, grants desires of the heart, and gives us all wisdom and understanding if it isn't true?? I feel some days that praying is God's version of 'busy work'. Pray, pray, pray, pray to keep you busy but no real purpose in the end. However, it says in the Bible that God hears my cry and therefore I believe it. He answers without hesitation and delay. Believe it. Philippians 4:6, James 5:12, 2 Chronicles 30:27, Colossians 4:2, Psalm 145:9 and many many more proclaim the effectiveness of prayer.

Here is the problem: We often miss the answers to our questions and prayers because
a. we don't like the answers God gives us,
b. It is not what we expected to hear and it is not what we thought we needed or
c. we have our prayers answered in some form and we forget to acknowledge God's work in our life and deny Him the glory he deserves. We assume we answered our own prayers.

There are other reasons we miss answered prayers I am sure. And you might be thinking, well sometimes, I feel God totally just ignores me and thats that. I understand that thought process. I have thought those very thoughts myself. However, that just isn't true. God hears our cries. He never ignores us and He never leaves us. There is no problem too big and no problem too small. He answers every single prayer. Here is the issue I often have: I forget God is Sovereign. He is the maker of the universe and the maker of you and me. So sure, if we were the creator, we could make up our own rules and answer prayers the way we wish. But..you are not the creator and neither am I. We forget God has this bigger plan for our lives and for this world. We have to believe and trust in the unfailing, unwavering love of Christ.
I have been reading Ephesians a lot lately. I love this book of the Bible. God has been teaching me a lot through this book.

Ephesians 1:8 & 11 say:
He has showered his kindness on us along with all wisdom and understanding....
Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have recieved an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan.

I love these two verses. I love all the different translations of these verses. Especially in the New International Version and Amplified Bible, it says God LAVISHED kindness, wisdom, and understanding upon us. Lavish means, bountiful, lush, exuberant, open handed, and generous. God exuberantly gives us all we need. He is open handed when it comes to giving us wisdom and understanding. We ask and he gives. Believe that. Look for his wisdom and understanding in all the wrong places. Look for Him everywhere you go and in every thing you do. He is there, unexpectedly guiding you and lovingly pointing you in the right direction.

When the direction God is pointing me is not what I wanted or expected, it is time for me to have deliberate faith. He makes EVERYTHING work out according to his plan. Everything. Nothing I do is pointless. God is molding me (and you) into the woman I was originally designed to be. Its exciting. Trust Him, he won't lead you astray. He is good and he loves you more than you could ever imagine. He will never hurt you. He only wants to heal you and bless you.

I hope what God has been teaching me lately might help someone just a tidge. Have a great Thursday! :)


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Deeper Still

This past weekend I went to the Deeper Still conference in Orlando, Fla. with my very best friend al, my mom, and her two wonderful friends. It was a really great experience. God taught me so much through Beth Moore, Kay Arthur, and Priscilla Shirer. The Lord really works through these three women. They know the hearts of women and how women perceive this world and our God. I was blown away by the things God taught me this weekend. God is truly a master at teaching every person a different lesson from the same experience.
The main thing I took away from this weekend was to stay in the Word of God. My God has spoken and He need not speak again. All I need to know is in the Word of God. I want to know Christ more and to do that, I will study God's word and make it my life's goal to know those 66 books better than I know anything in this world. It has always been a dream of mine to educate people about God and to inspire others through writing. I hope one day I could be used by God in that way.
Anywho, on the way back I was reading some of Ephesians and I wanted to share my take.

Even before he made the world, God loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in his eyes.
Ephesians 1:4 (NLT)

Before God even made the world, he knew me. Before he made the world, he knew my story, my life, my mistakes, my mind, my decisions, my struggles, my desires, and my imperfect love for him. Despite all that, before he made the world he loved me. He loved me then and he loves me now. He knew then and knows now the secrets of my heart and loves me infinitely, despite all my failings. I find this amazing. Because I find this so amazing, I find it hard to believe. I find it hard to accept this perfect, irrational love. I think that makes me love Him all the more. I don't understand Him. I love mysteries.
The verse continues on and the next part shocks and amazes me more. Not only did he know and love me before time, but he chose me. HE CHOSE ME. The maker of the ocean, sunsets, puppies, love, mysteries, the stars, heaven, the entire universe: CHOSE me. Me: selfish, unlovable, fearful, insecure, jealous, little old me. He wants me and desires me and he has since the beginning of time. He chose me to be His daughter and enter His royal family. Does anyone else find that breathtaking? unimaginable? yeah, me too. It's a crazy concept but its the truth. So now, I choose Him. I choose to follow Him because it is an honor to love Him. It is an honor to be a part of this family.
And if THAT is not enough, not only does he know me, love me and choose me, but he has chosen me to be holy and without fault in His eyes. whoa.
So, God knows me, loves me, chose me, sees me as holy and sees me without fault. He knows my past, my faults, my sins, and all the secrets I keep and yet he sees me without fault. This is incomprehensible to me. I am certainly not designed to be that gracious. When I know some one else's deepest darkest secrets, it definitely doesn't come natural to see them 'without fault and holy.' Anyone else smelling what I'm stepping in? Could this be fair? Nope. It sure isn't. It's grace. Its a beautiful mystery and I fall deeper in love with Him every day because of who He is.
My human mind does not even comprehend God's love and idea of relationship. His love is more than a feeling, its a force. A force that at times takes my breath away. I never want to lose this gratitude I have for His grace and love.
It is absolutely crazy that in His eyes I am faultless, beautiful, holy, adored, pure, beloved, and complete. God is worthy. He is able.



I would really appreciate prayers this week. I am going to the Medical University of South Carolina for a couple of procedures. Prayers for good results! Love you all!!

the God of all Comfort

So yesterday in church, the sermon was written for me.

Okay, so maybe that isn't true, but I know we all feel that way at some point. We go in to church, not sure if you are going to get something out of it, and you walk out thinking: wow, did that preacher steal my journal?

Well that my friends, as you might know, is the Holy Spirit. It is the same thing as opening up the bible to a verse you have heard a gazillion times before, and it suddenly speaks to you. That verse all of a sudden carries fresh new meaning and totally changes your day, week, and maybe life.

Enough rambling, the sermon was based on scripture from 2 Corinthians 1: 3-4.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.
We do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about the hardships we suffered in the province of Asia. We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death. But this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He has delivered us from such a deadly peril, and he will deliver us. On him we have set our hope that he will continue to deliver us, as you help us by your prayers. Then many will give thanks on our behalf for the gracious favor granted us in answer to the prayers of many.
2 Corinthians 1: 3-11 (NIV)

Ok, so thats a really long passage. The whole passage is amazing and holds much guidance, hope, and wisdom. However, if you don't feel like reading everything, just pleaseeeee read the bold print. That is the part of the scripture that I have been focusing on lately.

In dealing with a chronic illness, you have days where you just want to throw a pity party and invite the whole neighborhood to have pity on you too. Some days I wake up and all I can think about is how unfair my life is. How unfair it is that I am a "good" person and this has happened to me. Some people live all of their lives with wonderful health and never realize what a true GIFT that is, until one day it is taken from them. I feel as if I am alone at times. There are not a whole lot of young people struggling with the same illnesses I battle. And I cry, pout, and get angry. I usually take it out on the ones I love the most: my God, my family, and my best friends. Now thats what isn't fair.

Anywho, I was listening to Mike Holt, at Grace Community Church (try that church!), and it totally changed my perspective.
There are some things I learned about suffering (from his sermon)
- everyone suffers, no one is immune
- because I have specific experiences, I am an excellent comforter and counselor for those who are suffering in a similar way. I can relate to them and hopefully guide them. Most importantly, I can pray for them in a very specific way that maybe others can't because they haven't had the experience. He gave a good example, a wife that has recently been left by a husband will be best comforted by a woman who has had the same experience. There are thousands of other examples. Although God did not "do" this to me, I know that there is a reason. I struggle with illness so I can teach others to pick themselves up and go on with life. To passionately live life and enjoy life. Chronic illness cannot and will not take that away from me.

What I have come to learn over the past difficult years is this: I need to look at my situation as a blessing. I have the gift of waking up every morning knowing that I cannot do this life without God. I am humbled every morning. I have to rely on him for strength. God works best that way though, when I am weak, He is strong and it is more than enough for me. I know that sometimes our situations might be difficult but remember that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and God is waiting to help guide you there! :)

On another note, its too hot outside!!!! Have a great, hot and humid day!

Love Lessons

"Great is the Lord, so worthy of praise
Great is the Lord

One generation will commend Your kingdom
To one another they will speak of You
And I will meditate on Your wonder
And they, they will speak of Your glorious splendor
Of Your majesty, everyday I'll praise thee
Forever and ever

Everyday I will praise
For You open Your hand
And satisfy desires of all things
My God the King

The Lord is gracious
And slow to anger
He is rich in love
He is good to all

All who call on Him
In truth He is near to
And He hears their cry
And saves them."
-Psalm 145 - by Shane & Shane

Ok so I went to a wedding of a close friend this weekend. First of all let me say, it was one of the sweetest ceremonies I have ever attended. :) Their love (and others' too) is a testimony to God's gift to his children: love and marriage. Their relationship has renewed my faith in love and my faith in people. I guess it provided me with hope. Just general hope. Its something I have been lacking lately.

The song above, was played as the bride walked down the aisle and the lyrics were printed in the program. If you have never heard this song, I recommend that you do. Anywho, the lyrics of this song really inspired me, so I figured I should share.

Lately, I have been distancing myself from my faith in God and my faith in people. I guess I had decided that because I am sick and there is nothing anyone can do to help me right now, that I should resent God and resent everyone in my life. I think its okay every now and then to throw a pity party or throw a tantrum. But its high time I stop. When I am so richly blessed, I have no reason to be resentful. I have been acting like a child, pouting in a corner with my ears covered, yelling "I can't hear you God! I can't hear you! ". I have been trying to drown out the loving voice of my God and the loving voices of my friends and family. It stops today. I am putting on my big girl panties and dealing with it. Nope, no more tantrums. Atleast for now. I mean I am human.

Happy Father's Day!

Watch Shane & Shane perform this song! The video quality is not that good, but just listen to the song!

No News

It is always difficult to hear the news that there is no news.
I recently went to the MayoClinic in Rochester, MN. I was so impressed with the organization of the place. It really is a great hospital with wonderful doctors, nurses, and staff. However, there was just nothing they could do for me medically at this point. Basically, I just have to "keep on keepin' on." I actually really hate that saying. haha. But it fits.

I just need to focus on today. Focus on my life now and how special and blessed my life really is. I live my life sick physically but I am loved and happy.

More on MayoClinic visit later.

I am trying to keep hope that there will be help in the future. That old cliche, "Everything happens for a reason" is so annoying, but true.

The lyrics to the song "Hope Now" by Addison Road really helps me get out of my own situation and realize even if I don't feel good, I am never alone.

"Everything rides on hope now
Everything rides on faith somehow
When the world has broken me down
Your love sets me free

When my life is like a storm
Rising waters all I want is the shore
You say I'll be ok and
Make it through the rain
You are my shelter from the storm"

Helps right? Yeah...I thought so too.

Here is the video of that song: Hope Now by Addison Road